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Ophiucus
Admin
Posts : 158
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Join date : 2009-03-08
Age : 33
Location : Infinite Castle
| Subject: JOKES! Corny, Green, or Simply Funny! READ UP!  Fri Mar 20, 2009 7:36 pm | |
| 
Bata: tatang, pwde po mgtanong?
Tatang: ano un ineng?
B: saan po papunta itong daan na to?
T: alam mo ineng, mtagal n q dito pero hnd ku pa nktang umalis yang daan na yan.
50 yrs nang kasal si lolo inggo at aling petra at gawain nila tuwing umaga sabay silang nagaalmusal ng hub0't hubad...
Isang umaga,
Aling petra: alam mo inggo ang tagal na nating mag asawa ngaun lang ulit ako nkaramdam ng ganito. Nagiinit ang ktawan q parang gusto ko n anuhin mo ako hihihi..!
Lolo inggo: malandi kang matanda ka! Tanga! Panung di ka mka2ramdam ng init sa katawan e ang isa m0ng ut0ng nakasawsaw sa kape bitch!
Lumapit c baby centipede k daddy centipede at me binulong
Hinimatay ang dad
Anong bnulong ng anak?
"dad, bili m k0 slippers yung
Havaianas"
if you want to remove wrinkles, pimples,
face marks and the 7 signs of skin aging
try....
ADOBE PHOTOSHOP!
isang araw may naghagis ng ari ng kabayo sa gitna ng mga maraming madre! biglang lumuhod ang mga madre at umiyak at nag dasal!!
MGA MADRE: DIOS KO!! patay na po si PADRE DAMIAN!!!!!!
Dalawang Tanga
Tanga 1: Tumawid ka nga sa ilaw ng flashlight ko.
Tanga 2: Hindi ako tanga para tumawid sa flashlight mo! Eh kung patayin mo't mahulog ako?
Dalawang Bobo
Natutulog sa pang-isahang kama...
Bobo 1: Pre ang sikip ng kama, bumaba ka muna para lumuwag.
*bumaba si Bobo 2*
Bobo 1: Ayan maluwag na. Balik kana ulit.
an arab was interviewed at US chekpoint
name pls?
arab:abdul aziz
interviewer:sex?
arab:6x a week
interviewer:i mean male or female
arab:doesn't matter, sumtyms even camel
interviewer:HOLY COW!
arab:yes, cow, and dogs too!
interviewer:oh dear!
arab:deer? no deer! dey run fast!
QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
1.KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
2.ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
3.KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
4.SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion. We were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
5.HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
6.DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
7.MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
8.FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
9.RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
10. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
11. SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
12. CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected and evolved over time in such a way that they are now genetically endowed with the capabilities required to cross roads.
13. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. (Duh?!?)
14. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
15. ERAP: Ang media ang may kasalanan diyan!
16. MIRIAM DEFENSOR-SANTIAGO : " Aha! I know it! That chicken crossed the road to provoke me. I move to permanently hold in contempt that chicken. I request for a restraining order, your honor, so that the chicken would not be able to cross the road again!"
17. RAMON REVILLA: "I concur, your honor. You see, may timbangan ako ng manok sa bahay. Doon ko nga nalaman na 96 grams ang 1000 na bills ng 1000 pesos to make 1 million pesos. See 96 grams? 96 grams talaga! Malapit yun sa isang kilo...eh sa 96 grams talaga eh...Pero huwag nyo akong tanungin kung ilang kilo ang manok na nagcross ng road. Eh, di ko nakilo eh. I guess, takot syang pakilo. Baka kulang sya ng 96 grams. In short, kulang sya ng isang kilo."
18. EMMA LIM: Para po uminom ng iced tea, your honor!
19. CHAVIT SINGSON: Eh, nililito nyo lang po ako, your honor. Di ko alam kung bakit nagcross yun ng road. Wala naman sa ledger ko kung bakit. Nililito nyo lang po ako. Nililito nyo lang po talaga ako.
20. CLARISSA OCAMPO: It crossed the road to go to the office of, I am sorry, Mr. Estelito Mendoza.
21. ESTELITO MENDOZA: Whether I will quit as a defense lawyer of the president or not, shall depend upon the decision of the president himself, not the crossing of the road by the chicken.
22. RAUL ROCO: It is a noble profession to be a chicken and to cross that road!
23. CHIEF JUSTICE HILARIO DAVIDE: Unless there is an objection, the chicken can cross that road.
PUNO (to Erap): Sori sir na late ako. Grabe ang brownout sa Makati, eh. 1 hr. kami sa elevator.
ERAP: Mas grabe ang brownout sa San Juan. 2 hrs kami ni Jinggoy sa escalator.
pasahero:manong natatae aq ihin2 nyu ung sasakyan
driver: wla yan guni-guni mouh lng yan
pasahero:manong lalabas na!!
driver:guni-guni mouh lng yan
driver: ang baho!!! amoy tae!!!
pasahero: wla yan... guni-guni mouh lng yan...
FLYASIAN SPIRTS. U fly as Asians, u land as spirits. He-he-he.
FLY CEBU PACIFIC, U depart from Cebu, you arrive at d Pacific Ocean. Bwa-ha-ha.
Last edited by Ophiucus on Tue Mar 31, 2009 9:46 pm; edited 2 times in total | |
| | | | Ophiucus
Admin
Posts : 158
Reputation : 1
Join date : 2009-03-08
Age : 33
Location : Infinite Castle
| | Subject: Re: JOKES! Corny, Green, or Simply Funny! READ UP! Sat Mar 21, 2009 11:24 am | |
|
I just found out that this is one heck of an old philosophical question! hahaha!
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from
the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken
availed himself of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.
Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.
The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.
Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Othello: Jealousy.
Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have,
you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the
Need to resist such a public Display of your own
lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.
Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.
Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in
town ought never expose one to such barbarous
inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a
road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the
chicken in question.
Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade
insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome,
filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume
to question the actions of one in all respects his
superior.
Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of
misplaced concreteness.
Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)
Hamlet: That is not the question.
Donne: It crosseth for thee.
Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.
Constable: To get a better view.
| |
| | | | Ophiucus
Admin
Posts : 158
Reputation : 1
Join date : 2009-03-08
Age : 33
Location : Infinite Castle
| | Subject: Re: JOKES! Corny, Green, or Simply Funny! READ UP! Sat Mar 21, 2009 2:56 pm | |
| Agaw-Buhay
Nakaupo sa tabi ng kanyang asawang agaw-buhay si Juan.
Hawak hawak niya ang kamay nito at nararamdaman ni Juan
na hindi na magtatagal at babawian na ng buhay ang kanyang asawa.
"Juan, bago ako mamatay, mayroon akong gustong ipagtapat
sa iyo."
"Mahal, huwag ka ng magsalita at makakasama pa sa iyo."
"Pero Juan, kailangan talagang malaman mo na........"
"Sssshhhh, kung ano man iyon ay hindi na mahalaga, ang
importante ay nasa tabi mo ako sa huling sandali mo
rito sa mundo."
"Juan, nais kong ipagtapat sa iyo na pinag-taksilan kita
sana ay patawarin mo ako."
"Alam ko iyon, kaya nga kita NILASON."
NAKATIPID
Takbong pumasok ng bahay si Mario.
Pagud na pagod, pero masayang-masaya.
Nagmamayabang pa sa ina.
"Nanay! Nanay! Nakatipid ako ng uno singkwenta."
"Nakatipid? Paano?" tanong ng nanay.
"Aba'y 'di ako sumakay ng dyip.
Sumabay lang ako ng takbo.
Kaya't nakatipid ako ng one-fifty!"
"Bobo ka pala, eh. Kung taxi ang sinabayan mo,
'Di mas malaki ang natipid mo!"
CUSTOMER: Waitress! Ano ba 'tong binigay mo sa akin, kape o tsaa? Lasang gas 'to ah!
WAITRESS: Kung yan ay lasang gas, Kape yan! Ang tsaa kasi lasang pintura!
ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES :
1. Doctors go back to school to be nurses abroad.
2. Rats are normal house pets.
3. Soap opera is reality and news provide the dramas of life.
4. Actors make the rules and politicians provide the entertainment!
MURPHY'S 15 OTHER LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like. . . well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
"... oo na, maganda na ang kutis mo! Ikaw kaya dito sa pwesto ko. Tingnan ko lang kung hindi ka magkutis matanda! Hmp!" - Betlog
"Subukan mo kaya na kalimutan na ako at wag ng puntahan. Di naman sa pagyayabang. Lalapit ka pa rin sa akin." - inodoro
"Hindi ako panakip butas!" - sanitary napkin
"Hindi lahat ng malakas, superhero" - putok
"Sana brief na lang ako!" - Rustom Padilla
"Kung ginalingan mo ang pagsupsop habang matigas pa ako, hindi ka malalagkitan o magkakatulo! Mabagal kang kumilos! Mabagal ka! Mabagaaaal!! !!" - ice candy
"Bakit mo ba pilit akong mawala sa iyong landas? Oo, pasaway ako kung minsan at tanggap ko. Pero pagkatapos mo akong iluwal ay ganon na lang?" - tae sa bowl
"Hindi lahat ng kabayo, may apat na paa" - Diego
"Hindi lahat ng macho may bigote" - Vina Morales
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
| |
| | | | Ophiucus
Admin
Posts : 158
Reputation : 1
Join date : 2009-03-08
Age : 33
Location : Infinite Castle
| | Subject: Re: JOKES! Corny, Green, or Simply Funny! READ UP! Thu Mar 26, 2009 6:47 pm | |
| Minsan may na-inlove sayo.
.
.
.
.
Kaya hayun, nauso ang Love Is Blind.
Quote For The Day:
“Hindi mo pag-aari ang katawan mo. Pinahiram lang yan sayo. Kaya kung may nangangailangan, ipagamit mo!”
“Quotes!..
.
Quotes!…
.
Quotes?….
.
Quotes?!…..”
.
.
.
- Manny Pacquiao calling the attention of his coach Freddie Roach.
This beautiful quote signifies determination, creativity, and hope. Hope this inspires you.
“Walang malayong kulangot sa mahabang kuko”.
Juan: Pare balita ko bading ka daw. totoo ba?!
Pedro: Pare, Mga chismax lang ‘yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn nila…. chura nila! hmpf!
Use DEDICATE in a sentence..
pag ginamitan mo yan ng glue 4 sure
DEDICATE yan..
How about CONTINUE ..
kahapon ang dami dami nyo bkit ngayon ang CONTINUE..
Idagdag pa ntin ang VIOLET…
Naholdap yung cellphone ko,
di bale I’LL VIOLET..
eto pa OPINION…
papasok ka sa pinto OPINION..
eh ang CONCLUSION…
syempre, d ka nman mkakapasok sa pintuan CONCLUSION
Dalawang langaw dumapo sa isang piraso ng ebak:
Langaw1: pare, excuse ha, nauutot ako eh!
Langaw2: pare naman, kumakain tayo eh!
Use BE COOL and I'LL BUY in a sentence.
...The tourist went to Mayon volcano in I'LL BUY, BE COOL.
CONTEMPLATE - I went to a party last night. There was so much food pero co-CONTEMPLATE.
there are two perfect guys out there..
the only problem is,
they're dating each other.
HISTORICAL TUWING NAG-AAWAY
Ang mag-kumpare ay nagkukuwentuhan...
Bentong: Pare,may problema ako sa kumare mo. Masyadong historical tuwing nag-aaway kami.
Pedro: Baka hysterical ang gusto mong sabihin.
Bentong: Hindi, historical talaga, pare. Kasi pag kami nag-aaway, lagi na lang niyang inuungkat 'yung nakaraan.
f u will c me cryin...
dnt wipe my tears..
bcoz
"only belo touches my skin"
who touches yours?
ANO SA DUCK DICTIONARY
Maliit na duck = panduck
Tirahan ng maliit na duck = Pandacan
Mataas na duck = boonduck
Nagulat na duck = nasinduck
Photogenic na duck = kodak
Madaldal na duck = dakdak
Pantakip sa bibig ng madaldal na duck = duck tape
Manggagamot na duck = ducktor
Musikerong duck = conducktor
Aspect: pantusok / pandurog ng yelo
City: bago mag-ocho
Deduct: ang bibe
Defeat: ang paa
Deposit: ang gripo
Detail: ang buntot
Devastation: istasyon ng bus
Effort: kung saan nagla-landing ang erflane
Melt: ngamit mantali sa mewang mara indi maulog ang mantalon
Persuading: unang kasal
Depress: ang nagkasal sa persuading
Predicate: pakawalan mo ang pusa
Protestant: tindahan ng prutas
Statue: ikaw ba 'yan?
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